Seven albums to stop the apocalypse |

Saturday 23 April 2016

Seven albums to stop the apocalypse

Friends, our time is almost certainly coming. When the aliens finally descend to crush all humanity, we have to be prepared to beat them back with one of our last remaining resources: hit records. As we stand at the edge of Earth's end, it is important to remember that hits are all that matter - they are the universal language that will save us from those astral beings who have looked upon our wreckage for ages, shaking their heads until they finally had enough of us.

When the aliens do come - and they will come - they will hover above us in their ships as we cower below. Whether in binary code or in English, they will ask us why we deserve to be spared. And even though we might not really deserve to be spared, I will at least be able to step forward and say: "Wait. I have seven albums that will make you reconsider." The aliens will sigh, roll their eyes, and reluctantly hand me the aux cord. And then these albums will save our planet.

4. Mariah Carey - entire discography, except "Glitter"
I considered this entry very carefully before going with it. After all, this is several albums, not just one. And who has the time, really? When the preservation of Earth hangs in the balance, can we really afford to build a blanket fort and listen to 12 hours of Mariah Carey albums? Yes; yes we can. The motto for our survival is, again, that hits are all that matter. Mariah Carey has made so many hits. An actual avalanche of hits. These are just the facts. Mariah Carey has, like, five greatest hits albums, and that still doesn't cover the sheer volume of hits she has been generous enough to bestow on us over the years. It's absurd. Almost offensive, if we're being honest. For Mariah Carey to look out on the world and all of our evils, knowing we don't deserve her music, and yet giving it to us anyway - well now I'm getting offended on her behalf. We don't deserve any of Mariah Carey's hits, yet we are swimming in them. If our otherworld enemies can learn just a fraction of the mercy and grace that Mariah Carey exemplifies, we will truly survive.

(excerpt from Pacific Standard)

Andrew crisostomo from Canada, niagara falls wrote:
I think the Glitter album is actually better than the Rainbow album in my opinion.
(Sunday 24 April 2016; 0:11)
Licia from USA wrote:
Glitter kills Rainbow on vocals alone.
(Sunday 24 April 2016; 2:38)
enwar00 from usa wrote:
I agree, I like Glitter better than both Rainbow and Charmbracelet.
(Sunday 24 April 2016; 3:35)
90sMariah from SG wrote:
Glitter is superior to both Rainbow and Charmbracelet (ech)/
(Sunday 24 April 2016; 5:40)
Gilles from Malta wrote:
I love Glitter. She was so much in advance to bring the 80's music back but the world wasn't ready, it needed like 15 years to bring that type of music back to life with Pharelle and Marc Ronson and others. Anyway this album is better than Rainbow for sure, I mean regarding my taste of music. Regarding the aliens, I hope they got like big suitcases because there are quite a lot of treasures and artists here. Have a nice weekend.
(Sunday 24 April 2016; 6:56)
Licia from USA wrote:
Nope. Cb is my number one album. Glitter is second for. Lyrically Cb kills Rainbow, but vocally Glitter is top.
(Sunday 24 April 2016; 15:45)
Merr Hasenan from Malaysia wrote:
The Rainbow CD cover is the worst and the aliens will never appreciate it. That's enough to stop the apocalypse. Talking about the album cover - the best is always TEOM.
(Sunday 24 April 2016; 16:52)
Philipp from Switzerland wrote:
I think Rainbow and Charmbracelet are much better than Glitter. There's too much rapping on Glitter.
(Monday 25 April 2016; 10:24)

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